Broken

I’m broken. Not for the first time. In fact I’ve been more broken than whole forever. I’ve been sat scrolling through here all day. Shouting at myself for not writing anything down. Yet still stating blankly not knowing how to start. I’ve just come off a 9 day binge after quite a lot of clean time. Which is shit. It’s shit because I know why I relapsed. Because I’ve not properly dealt with anything. I’m walking around with all of my past wrongs hanging off me like chains. Wrongs I’ve committed and wrongs that were committed against me. There’s a lot more I committed. I honestly wish I could remember them all. You see, half the time I didn’t think I was wrong and the other half I didn’t care. I have been selfish to the core, manipulative, violent, underhand, untrustworthy and unfaithful. Yeah shit happened to me. So fucking what. It’s no excuse for any of the treatment I inflicted on anyone who tried to care about me. Or anyone I should have been caring for. I can’t remember all the stuff that happened to me. I’ve been told about it and I still can’t quite believe or get my head around it. But the way I have used, abused and hurt others is right there. I can’t stop looking at it. I used to every drug I could to stop looking at it and became even more of a disgrace. Descended even further. Lied, lied and lied some more. I don’t know how to begin to apologise to all of the people I’ve harmed. I’m haunted constantly. It’s been so long and I’ve pushed it all down so far. I read a lot of posts the other night on here. But I have to face it. The fact I may or most probably did get women pregnant before deserting them. Or just never speaking to them. The way I have been so promiscuous without a care in the world to pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease is disgusting. The way I have been so sex obsessed for so long. Lying about my sexuality. I was confused for a long time about it. Then I wasn’t but I still lied about it. Then I was more open with women I was with and STILL went out cheating with men. Unprotected. How could I be so careless and callous. To put people at risk like that. I just kept ploughing on through life. Never once stopping to think about the damage I was causing. That has to end. I want and need to look at it all. It’s killing me. More importantly it’s not fair that I shouldn’t have to face up to everything.

13 thoughts on “Broken

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