Trying to focus on now

It’s tough init? Not dwelling on all of the pain and chaos of the past or dreaming about the possibility of things being ok in the future. I certainly don’t want to forget anything and I really do believe I need to look at a lot of past actions and behaviour. But that’s where it gets tricky. I can sit in that for hours, days, weeks and never move forward at all.

So looking at now. Today. I’m still using. It’s nearly gone and I intend for it to stay gone. I’m going to get on an online NA meeting. I’m going to reconnect with fellowship and talk to them. Get to a meeting if I can and do my best to get it out there that I NEED a sponsor. I have spoken with work and we are going to look at a plan that fits around recovery. For this I am truly, truly grateful. Because I can do this. I was stupid to think I could jump straight back in and start doing 10 shifts in a row. Small steps. Family wise, my mother doesn’t hate me. She is obviously disappointed. I’ve snatched the rug of recovery away from under her feet again. My brother will be disappointed. He will be back later on and I will talk to him. Like, actually talk. He understands addiction. A lot of people don’t. And that’s ok. I wish I could be one of those people who just stopped doing drugs. Not let their life descend into chaos and madness. I can’t. I need the help of other addicts in recovery. Which I am seeking out. Get back in that circle and talk to other people who’s thinking is as upside down and twisted as mine. Because my thinking is absolutely fucked. I recognise how fucked it is. Thinking that picking up meth a week ago was a good idea is a prime example. I ended up reverting back to the awful human I am trying to get away from. I do not want to carry on in this way and I appreciate any thoughts or advice. I would also greatly appreciate it if anyone would just straight up tell me my wrongs to them. Because honestly, there is so much bad shit in my past that I can’t remember all of it until prompted. I know that there’s a lot of you out there and if I can make any kind of amends or apologies without making matters worse for you then I would love to do that.

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