Grief/Higher power moments

I’ve not blogged about this yet. I’m only just beginning to process and feel it. An old friend of mine. A dear friend. Someone who went through some tough times in life with me. Who was homeless with me. Who helped me and always made me smile no matter how bad things were. Well, he died. A few days into my relapse I received a message to let me know he’d been found dead in his flat. Four days he lay dead before he was found. There has to be an autopsy to determine the cause of his death. All I can think is how I could have done more. How I could have been to see him and helped him. Speaking to other mutual friends they have said the same thing.

Higher power moments come in all shapes and sizes. They aren’t always nice. In fact a lot of them are downright awful. This is one of those. That could have been me. He may not be dead if I wasn’t so wrapped up in my own problems. I could have saved him. I could have been there more and do e something. I could have been a better friend. Now a mother has lost her son. A brother has lost his older brother.

I miss you Chris. I missed you before you died. I miss the jokes we had and the times we shared. I love you. I will be at your funeral to say goodbye and I will not use your death as an excuse to use drink or drugs. I won’t honour your life by destroying my own. I will honour your life by continuing to live. I won’t ever say I’ll live perfectly. Because who can? I’m sorry i didn’t come to see you more. I’m sorry I didn’t do more. I’m sorry Chris. Rest in peace my brother. Love always.

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