Apart from going out on Saturday morning for my first dose of the vaccine, all that I’ve done this weekend is sleep and eat. I’ve spent a little time reading the basic text. Not close to as much as I intended too. My body and brain feel wiped out.
I will be going out to a meeting this evening and the thought of that daunts me. Not because of the meeting. I’m looking forward to that part. It’s the getting there and back again which worries me. Which I know is ridiculous, silly and even stupid. I have full use of all of my limbs and other than the self inflicted damage I’ve done to myself recently I’m perfectly capable of getting my self there and back. Yet there’s still a part of my brain that tells me not to. I shan’t listen to it. That doesn’t mean I can’t hear it though. It’s always there.
Being aware that I created these physical and mental ravines to traverse by allowing my addict to take the reigns. Knowing that I and I alone allowed him in and listened to his whispers. Took his advice, sat back and watched the decline of my sanity and physical well-being only to now be wallowing in self pity. Knowing all of this doesn’t change it. It should. Yet it doesn’t. Here I sit.
Getting up, washed and fed will help. Getting out with the dog will help. Going and doing the shopping for my mum will help. By the time I’ve done these simple tasks I will feel ready to go out. To get to the only place I can go where people understand the upside down nature of my brain. Get back in that circle.
The gratitude I have for this fellowship know no bounds. They will accept any one of us if we slip. They will bring us back in and allow us to feel welcome where a lot of the world does not. They will tell us their own stories for us to relate. So that we know we are home and we know we are safe. I am truly grateful to have found them.