I nearly slipped. I may still. I just ordered glass pipes on Amazon. But I cancelled the order. It’s that easy. It’s that easy to order pipes and call a dealer and be back in the cycle of death. Grant me the the serenity.
Sleeping is one of the things I have taken for granted over the years of addiction and hospitality work. I would think nothing of staying awake for days on end. Or working from 7 am untill 2am the next day and doing it all again, every day, for weeks. I have slept so much overContinue reading “Sleep”
A big part of what I have to do is to hand my life over to a god or higher power of my own understanding. I’ve fought and struggled against this, resisted it and even downright dismissed it. Because I don’t understand it. How can I have an entity or power of my own understandingContinue reading “God of my own understanding/Higher Power”
Apart from going out on Saturday morning for my first dose of the vaccine, all that I’ve done this weekend is sleep and eat. I’ve spent a little time reading the basic text. Not close to as much as I intended too. My body and brain feel wiped out. I will be going out toContinue reading “Doing the little things which make the big things possible.”
My mother is 71 years old today. I’m happy for her. She looks great in her new black skinny jeans and boots. She is about to be whisked away to a party where there will be drink and drugs galore. I’m grateful that I’m not going to be there. I’ve said happy birthday and givenContinue reading “71”
I’ve not blogged about this yet. I’m only just beginning to process and feel it. An old friend of mine. A dear friend. Someone who went through some tough times in life with me. Who was homeless with me. Who helped me and always made me smile no matter how bad things were. Well, heContinue reading “Grief/Higher power moments”
This fellowship of addicts is the only thing that will keep me truly clean. I could probably get clean of drugs. But I doubt I would be living clean. I would still be acting out and using behaviours that lead me back to the inevitable relapse. I have been skirting around the edges and notContinue reading “Fellowship”
It would have been so easy to just sit. Sit and not wash again. Do nothing but read other people’s blogs and sink deeper into depression. I’m not doing that though. I’m up, washed and I’ve eaten. These are all just such normal things but they can become huge mountains to climb. If I letContinue reading “Easy/difficult”
I’ve had a long twisty journey of relapse and recovery. I’ve learnt a lot and I’ve still got plenty to learn. If I’m not working on recovery I’m working on relapse. Today I am working on recovery. I go back to fellowship this evening and I’ll get yet another white keyring. Just for today. It’sContinue reading “Relapse/Recovery”
I had been typically selfish in my belief that I didn’t need to get the covid vaccine. That it didn’t matter if I got it or not. This selfish view and attitude is what I am changing about myself. So I have made my appointments for first and second dose.
I imagine you’ve all heard enough about my behaviour and attitude. The stories are endless. So now I’d like to talk about what I’m grateful for. Doing a daily gratitude list is something I’ve been meaning to do for a while. So here is my first one. I’m grateful for my mother. For loving meContinue reading “Gratitude”
I’m broken. Not for the first time. In fact I’ve been more broken than whole forever. I’ve been sat scrolling through here all day. Shouting at myself for not writing anything down. Yet still stating blankly not knowing how to start. I’ve just come off a 9 day binge after quite a lot of cleanContinue reading “Broken”
I’ve been so full of hate and resentment my whole life that training my brain to not revert to these emotions/feelings/actions feels impossible. I know it isn’t. I know I need therapy. The meetings help because I can get a lot out there. I know it’s not enough by a long shot. There’s a lotContinue reading “Love/hate”
It’s tough init? Not dwelling on all of the pain and chaos of the past or dreaming about the possibility of things being ok in the future. I certainly don’t want to forget anything and I really do believe I need to look at a lot of past actions and behaviour. But that’s where itContinue reading “Trying to focus on now”
I’ve just got off the phone with my boss. I can still have shifts and we are going to work out a plan that fits in with recovery. I am beyond grateful that he has given me this chance. Because who could blame him for not doing?
I need to learn how to have them. I’ve never, ever properly gotten it right. I need to know how to trust.