The mind of an addict is a tricky one. It tricks you into thinking you’re doing alright. It tricks you I to thinking you’re not as bad as other addicts. I let mine trick me. I let mine tell me I didn’t need fellowship. Slipping further and further away from the ones I love andContinue reading “Slipped”
Tag Archives: addiction
Trying not to slip
I nearly slipped. I may still. I just ordered glass pipes on Amazon. But I cancelled the order. It’s that easy. It’s that easy to order pipes and call a dealer and be back in the cycle of death. Grant me the the serenity.
God of my own understanding/Higher Power
A big part of what I have to do is to hand my life over to a god or higher power of my own understanding. I’ve fought and struggled against this, resisted it and even downright dismissed it. Because I don’t understand it. How can I have an entity or power of my own understandingContinue reading “God of my own understanding/Higher Power”
Doing the little things which make the big things possible.
Apart from going out on Saturday morning for my first dose of the vaccine, all that I’ve done this weekend is sleep and eat. I’ve spent a little time reading the basic text. Not close to as much as I intended too. My body and brain feel wiped out. I will be going out toContinue reading “Doing the little things which make the big things possible.”
71
My mother is 71 years old today. I’m happy for her. She looks great in her new black skinny jeans and boots. She is about to be whisked away to a party where there will be drink and drugs galore. I’m grateful that I’m not going to be there. I’ve said happy birthday and givenContinue reading “71”
Fellowship
This fellowship of addicts is the only thing that will keep me truly clean. I could probably get clean of drugs. But I doubt I would be living clean. I would still be acting out and using behaviours that lead me back to the inevitable relapse. I have been skirting around the edges and notContinue reading “Fellowship”
Easy/difficult
It would have been so easy to just sit. Sit and not wash again. Do nothing but read other people’s blogs and sink deeper into depression. I’m not doing that though. I’m up, washed and I’ve eaten. These are all just such normal things but they can become huge mountains to climb. If I letContinue reading “Easy/difficult”
Relapse/Recovery
I’ve had a long twisty journey of relapse and recovery. I’ve learnt a lot and I’ve still got plenty to learn. If I’m not working on recovery I’m working on relapse. Today I am working on recovery. I go back to fellowship this evening and I’ll get yet another white keyring. Just for today. It’sContinue reading “Relapse/Recovery”
Broken
I’m broken. Not for the first time. In fact I’ve been more broken than whole forever. I’ve been sat scrolling through here all day. Shouting at myself for not writing anything down. Yet still stating blankly not knowing how to start. I’ve just come off a 9 day binge after quite a lot of cleanContinue reading “Broken”
Trying to focus on now
It’s tough init? Not dwelling on all of the pain and chaos of the past or dreaming about the possibility of things being ok in the future. I certainly don’t want to forget anything and I really do believe I need to look at a lot of past actions and behaviour. But that’s where itContinue reading “Trying to focus on now”
Transformation 